So much I curse this present, the words flow out from tonsils and tongues within but I can't seem to stop it, anger's my sole defense for such vulnerability. Missed the train, missed the memo, things you say but I don't receive or believe and I'm maddening angering amidst the nice letters strung together that you said to me so long ago and repeat verbatim to me now. I'm screaming, yelling where no one can hear, my ears are the sole audience, the guy in the back of the room saying fuck you, can't you do better? I can't, is all. Can't make you believe it's dead and buried in the ground, falling upon deaf ears these words are. But these words are all I got. I can't make much more than what comes out, can't trust much more than what I have, can't be much more than what I've tried. I just want something more than this, want something wholer than nonsense words and sentiments, words that cut and regret their own existence. You're drunk, more tears fall, I'm drunk, more tears fall, both lone stags in crowded places, different times and faces, and all I do is yell louder, such miles away from you and that's all I know, how far apart we are, how this distance and loneliness is your making. Seek unforeseen solace in strangers, I don't see anyone wanting to be a tangible, talkable friend. Suppose I'm supposed to be living and laughing but I'm at full capacity yesterday or last week or whenever it was I smiled for real. All I can do is think of the words I wish you had told me then and wonder what those are, will I remember, want to forget, wonder how the hell I fall so hard for you then and how hardened I've become. Who the fuck cares, I give up so easily now on new people, wanting to run away from possibility of being hurt so bad, something that already came to my doorstep. I forgot to sign out, forgot to give my name to the man that counts things and makes things count, and just can't comprehend these systems. Systems of games, systems of words based on time, systems of affection based on sympathy, just don't get it. Love hurts and leaves me, I see washed out copies of it everywhere, a skinny promise but it's just a lie, just lost hope. Return my hope.